Reaching Out

Fear

For a very long time, I've planned on beginning this blog.  Mostly to reach out to others like myself. There must be some of you out there.  It's easy to feel completely alone among so much amazing support in my life.  Despite the comfort I would receive from connecting with those of you who are fully able to understand through similar experiences, I've hesitated.  

In a big way.  

I've thought....what if they ever found out?  My parents would be absolutely devastated.

So - I've decided to risk it, and write without using my real identity. What was the driving force behind finally making this decision in my 30's?

My mom. 

She's been diagnosed as bipolar.  It's not exactly a recent development, but more a recent realization to HER due to her second visit to a mental hospital. This time for thoughts of suicide.  More on this in future posts.

But let's back up.  In a nutshell, here's the scoop:

My dad was diagnosed with schizophrenia/bipolar at age 16, and later with Seasonal affective disorder (SAD) and obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD).  He was told at that age that should he never get married or have children.  Well...here I am so you know how that went.

In his 20's, he met my mom through a cousin and married her.  Now, she came with her own set of deeply seeded problems, many stemming from a series of child abuse events in her past - All unreported  and therefore never dealt with.  You can imagine how that builds up over 50 years.

Long story short, here I am with 2 parents diagnosed with serious mental health issues. 
Now, statistically speaking, whether genetics or environment caused their illnesses - I should have my own set of very deeply rooted issues.  I'm not saying that I never get overly upset over things or that I'm anywhere near perfect, but...Somehow I've won this crazy genetic/environmental lottery and led a pretty normal life.  I'm talking pretty regular thoughts on a regular basis, a great career, husband, house, dogs, picket fence, the whole 9 yards.



I literally have everything I begged the birthday gods for each time I blew out my candles.  The only difference is that instead of it all just HAPPENING by wishing on a candle, I had to grow up and make choices that led to it happening.  I literally BUILT that fence (ok, my husband helped ;)).





Maybe that didn't seem so short, but trust me...it's been a longer journey than you'd think.  Anyway, the entire purpose of me doing this - putting my story out there a few pieces at a time (both past and the unfortunately active present) is to find YOU.  The you who can say "I too am an adult child of a mentally ill parent who struggles".  

Dare I dream to find you unicorns out there with both parents mentally ill - where you are basically their voice of reason?  One can only hope to connect and learn from someone so similar.

So this is the beginning.  

I've never attended therapy of any kind, but I consider this effort to be a form of my own personal therapy.  Starting a network of people who deal with the same difficult issues just seems like the best way to manage the overwhelming feeling that comes with this life.    

So here's to the first of many posts.  I'll update on how my mom is adjusting to life at home after her latest stay in the hospital, reflect on life growing up. 

And I hope to hear from you.  Only we really get what it's like to parent your parent in the way that mental illness demands.