I truly wish I had started this blog a very, very long time ago. Then it wouldn't seem so awful when I say that I YELLED at my mom tonight. I mean I really let her have it.
Although I realize her illness prevents her from thinking rationally, for years she's been saying all the right things at the right times, and then just turning all those good things off so that she can go back to her isolation and downward spiral. This last treatment did nothing.
Her first night home, she threw away her antidepressants.
Her first week home, she avoided a possible therapy session.
Now within her first month home, she's called the therapist and told her she's not coming back...again. She's decided not to take the home help offered. Not to take the group therapy offered. Not to apply to be work situation offered to her. She will not accept any help at all.
I yelled at her because I wanted her to finally hear me. I've never ever done that before. I hoped it would shock her into a reality of the fact that she's hurting more than herself. As a thanks for caring, she's often told me to just leave her alone, to butt out, I've been hung up on. She rarely asks how I am doing, or my family. Yet I keep offering help and support.
It seems I only enable her. If she drops all other outlets, she still has me right? So...I ask myself tonight - do I actually listen to her this time after all these years and just leave her alone? Stop offering my support as long as she is refusing help? Sounds like a logical plan until I think about the fact that she then allows NO support of any kind.
So after getting off the phone, I let loose. I gave myself a really good cry. Something I haven't done in a while. Partially out of helplessness, hopelessness, and defeat. And because I get torn when it comes to this. I feel this dragging me to a place I don't want to be, mostly because things keep getting so much worse.
I've been doing some research. Here's a helpful link. I know I'm needing it tonight. It's a website specifically for adult children of mentally ill parents.
Although I realize her illness prevents her from thinking rationally, for years she's been saying all the right things at the right times, and then just turning all those good things off so that she can go back to her isolation and downward spiral. This last treatment did nothing.
Her first night home, she threw away her antidepressants.
Her first week home, she avoided a possible therapy session.
Now within her first month home, she's called the therapist and told her she's not coming back...again. She's decided not to take the home help offered. Not to take the group therapy offered. Not to apply to be work situation offered to her. She will not accept any help at all.
I yelled at her because I wanted her to finally hear me. I've never ever done that before. I hoped it would shock her into a reality of the fact that she's hurting more than herself. As a thanks for caring, she's often told me to just leave her alone, to butt out, I've been hung up on. She rarely asks how I am doing, or my family. Yet I keep offering help and support.
It seems I only enable her. If she drops all other outlets, she still has me right? So...I ask myself tonight - do I actually listen to her this time after all these years and just leave her alone? Stop offering my support as long as she is refusing help? Sounds like a logical plan until I think about the fact that she then allows NO support of any kind.
So after getting off the phone, I let loose. I gave myself a really good cry. Something I haven't done in a while. Partially out of helplessness, hopelessness, and defeat. And because I get torn when it comes to this. I feel this dragging me to a place I don't want to be, mostly because things keep getting so much worse.
I've been doing some research. Here's a helpful link. I know I'm needing it tonight. It's a website specifically for adult children of mentally ill parents.
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